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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.