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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.