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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
When you`re down about your body image just type "fat people" into Google images, always makes me feel better!:)
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon