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Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.