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Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.