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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
Condoms prevent minivans.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.