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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
My life coach just benched me.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.