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Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?