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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”