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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.