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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...