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Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?