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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Three weeks without a signal typo!
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?