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thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."