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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late