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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
is frickin awesome! Nough Said.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.