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I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.