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PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver