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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.