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Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
I see your arguement contains a lot of swear words, you must really know what you`re talking about
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.