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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.