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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.