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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.