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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.