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So many rules; so little time to break them.
Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don`t think I can keep watching movies
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.