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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.