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"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.