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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
condoms prevent minivans
Insert coin to view my status message.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
Girls just wanna have funds.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.