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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.