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I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage