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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.