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Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Im thinking, The best part about sitting down at the computer for a minute and making a status message like this is that by the time you`ve finished reading it and taking a minute out of your day you`ll have a brand sense of enlightenment and awareness that you never had before once you realize that there is absolutely no point to this post whatsoever.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
sleep is for people without netflix
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?