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Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.
You had me at 0 mutual friends