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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?