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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.