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Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”