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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired