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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.