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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. Iām really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
Even when Iām home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.