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Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.