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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.