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Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.