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Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal