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FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Carfax but for people
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.