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Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
i never said i knew what i was doing, i said i was going to do it anyway :)
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?