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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
The problem with diets is pizza.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"