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I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!