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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Technically, every picture is a before picture.