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It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?