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Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.