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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"