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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.