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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards