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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.