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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.