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We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
What about a To-Don`t List?
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
I drink because people talk.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
I`m tired of things costing money
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...