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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!