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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.