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I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.