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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
Happy people don`t take long showers.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
insert coin to view my status
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.