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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
My sleep number is 100 proof.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.