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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.