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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.