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Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.