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First fart at my new job.
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.