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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
only 9530 days until retirement.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....