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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.