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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
We can`t all be princesses, somebody has to clap as I go by. :P
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
That moment when being uncool, is cool
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.