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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.