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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time"............................... An often used phrase in a lot of my memories.
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.