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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
I am the bestest at the English language...
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
A man is as faithful as his options
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!
is ready to have one too many!
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"