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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…