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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I drink to make other people interesting
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?