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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.