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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
Iām pretty much always down for a snack.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
Hello? HP? Iād like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.