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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>