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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.