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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.