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Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.