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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands