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I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
There`s no WE in pizza.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.