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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.