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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list