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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.