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Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
It`s weird how in England the passenger drives the car
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.