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I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.