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Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.