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If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy