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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.