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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?