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I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.