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I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
At least a stalker is there for you.