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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."