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During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.