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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.