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Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.