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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.