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I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...