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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
You`re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU`RE RICH
Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.