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i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
Ive been invited to farmville! Now what to wear...
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.