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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
Your things are terrific.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon