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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.