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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.