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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
this website used to be full of funny statuses. Then the 8-year olds came in.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?